Lynne Baab

Grief AND thankfulness in my conversion story

Lynne Baab • Friday January 3 2020

I have three ways of talking about what happened to me at 19. Most often, I say I became a committed Christian then. Sometimes I say I came back to the Christian faith, and occasionally I say I became a Christian then. I may not be clear on how to describe it, but I am so grateful for God’s call to me.

I attended church almost every Sunday of my childhood. My dad was a faithful Episcopalian, and my mom fell in line with his commitment. Because my dad was in the military, we moved A LOT (12 houses in my first 15 years). One of the sources of stability for me as a child was the consistency of the Episcopal worship service. By the time I was confirmed, at age 11, I knew both the Morning Prayer and Communion services by heart.

My parents asked me if I wanted to be confirmed, and I said yes. I had a clear and meaningful faith at that point. I loved pondering the mystery of Trinity. I loved one of the scriptures I heard in the service many Sundays: “Come unto me, all ye that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you” (Matthew 11:28). I loved the prayer of humble access before communion, complete with crumbs under the communion table:

“We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table. But thou art the same Lord whose property is always to have mercy” (from The Book of Common Prayer). 

Sadly, that moment of confirmation, near the end of sixth grade, was the high point of my childhood faith. At the end of sixth grade, we moved again, and the next couple of churches did not help me develop my faith at all. They had youth Sunday school. No longer was I in church, where I could hear that amazing liturgy, as I had been for most of my first 11 years. Now I was in tepid Sunday school classes where the things of God were watered down and frankly boring.

At 16, I began to volunteer with very young children at church, so I could please my parents by being physically present at church, but avoid both Sunday school and the worship service. It all meant nothing to me, and by 18, I decided I was an atheist. I was determined to live that way, and lo and behold, it didn’t work very well. Despite my growing realization that life without God wasn’t very satisfying, I had lots and lots of questions about Christianity.

When I visited L’Abri Fellowship in Huemoz, Switzerland at age 19 over All Saints weekend, I was astonished to find that my most significant questions about Christianity were answered. I was studying in France at the time, and I left for Christmas vacation in Germany and Scandinavia not a Christian and returned to France three weeks later a Christian. I don’t know when the change happened, but one significant factor was a Christmas eve service in Bergen, Norway. Being back in church, seeing the candles lit against the darkness, hearing the stories about Jesus’ birth, and singing Christmas carols felt like coming home.

On the long train ride back to France, I kept thinking about my favorite parts of the Communion and Morning Prayer liturgies that I had known by heart. Many sentences and whole prayers came back to me, and they seemed so true.

I am so grateful for God’s goodness to me, giving me the strong foundation of those beautifully written liturgies that capture so much biblical truth, and giving me that visit to L’Abri Fellowship where I had so many questions answered. I am so thankful for that feeling of homecoming in the church in Bergen. I am so grateful that Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit, enabled me to see him and desire to follow him. What a gift. Loving and following Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to me. How full my heart is.

Did I become a Christian for the first time at 19? Or did I come back to a faith that had been very real to me at age 11? I have no idea.

But I grieve. I feel deeply sad about those Sunday school classes that turned me away from God. I grieve that no one in my teen years – parents, ministers, Sunday school teachers, youth group leaders, friends – was able to talk about God in a way that helped me grow in faith.

I grieve for the seven years when my heart turned away from God. I wonder how much of my teenage angst would have been different if I had had Jesus by my side and the Holy Spirit giving me strength and guidance. I still live with some of the negative fruit in my life that dates back to those years. How different would it have been if I had been a Christian?

I grieve for the loss of those seven years. And I am grateful that God found me – or found me again – at 19.

Next week –Grief AND thankfulness: The role of lament. Illustration by Dave Baab. I love getting newsubscribers. Sign up below to receive an email every time I post on this blog.

My book on this topic – Two Hands: Grief and Gratitude in the Christian Life, now available as an audiobook as well as paperback and kindle.

An article I wrote for the Godspace Blog, describing my ten year journey to understand what exactly hope is: Entering the New Year and New Decade with Hope

Lynne M. Baab, Ph.D., is an author and adjunct professor. She has written numerous books, Bible study guides, and articles for magazines and journals. Lynne is passionate about prayer and other ways to draw near to God, and her writing conveys encouragement for readers to be their authentic selves before God. She encourages experimentation and lightness in Christians spiritual practices. Read more »

Lynne is pleased to announce the release of her two 2024 books, both of them illustrated with her talented husband Dave's watercolors. She is thrilled at how good the watercolors look in the printed books, and in the kindle versions, if read on a phone, the watercolors glow. Friendship, Listening and Empathy: A Prayer Guide guides the reader into new ways to pray about the topics in the title. Draw Near: A Lenten Devotional guides the reader to a psalm for each day of Lent and offers insightful reflection/discussion questions that can be used alone or in groups. 

Another recent book is Two Hands: Grief and Gratitude in the Christian  Life, available in paperback, audiobook, and for kindle. Lynne's 2018 book is Nurturing Hope: Christian Pastoral Care for the Twenty-First Century, and her most popular book is Sabbath-Keeping: Finding Freedom in the Rhythms of Rest (now available as an audiobook as well as paperback and kindle). You can see her many other book titles here, along with her Bible study guides.

You can listen to Lynne talk about these topics: empathy, bringing spiritual practices to life. Sabbath keeping for recent grads., and Sabbath keeping for families and children.

Lynne was interviewed for the podcast "As the Crow Flies". The first episode focuses on why listening matters and the second one on listening skills. 

Here are two talks Lynne gave on listening (recorded in audio form on YouTube): Listening for Mission and Ministry and Why Listening Matters for Mission and Ministry.

"Lynne's writing is beautiful. Her tone has such a note of hope and excitement about growth. It is gentle and affirming."
— a reader

"Dear Dr. Baab, You changed my life. It is only through God’s gift of the sabbath that I feel in my heart and soul that God loves me apart from anything I do."
— a reader of Sabbath Keeping